When I discover something that’s fun like a hot sale or a life changing way of eating, I love to share it with others. Most of us are wired to want to help others. Especially to help those that we are closest to. Do you have loved ones who aren’t interested in ditching their standard diet? Since I love to help others, let me share some techniques I’ve learned. Here’s how to deal with loved ones who aren’t interested in switching to the plant-based lifestyle.
I was frustrated when I first made the switch to the plant-based lifestyle. I discovered first hand the benefits of ditching my conventional diet. I learned how powerful the whole food, plant-based lifestyle is. I wanted everyone to make the switch and I still do. I especially want my closest friends and family to make the switch. These are for selfish reasons. I want them to be walking the planet for a very long time and living a healthy lifestyle is a way to help to do so. Yet, the more I pushed and prodded them into making the switch, the more they resisted. I knew I needed to find another way.
When Pushing Doesn’t Work
I’m not sure if I gave up trying to convince them. I resigned myself into thinking that no matter how hard I pushed they weren’t budging. This was despite my knowledge of how much better they’d feel if they did so. At one point early in my journey, I made it pretty clear that it was my husband’s decision if he wanted to make the switch.
In fact, I told him that even if he wouldn’t embrace the lifestyle that his decision wouldn’t stop me from doing so. I pointed out that our daughter was only 8 years old at the time. I reminded him that he had recently undergone a double bypass surgery and it wasn’t a permanent fix. I shared that in the end it’s his body and I’m not responsible for it.
Done Pushing
I was done trying to push him into something that he wasn’t choosing. I didn’t want to feel responsible for making him do something against his will. He’s an adult, he should be able to decide for himself. So, I told him that it was his call. That I’d like to have a partner in this journey but that ultimately it was up to him.
I shared research about the whole food, plant-based lifestyle. That it (WFPB eating) is key in preventing and reversing heart disease and cancer. I explained to him that I felt that it was my duty to take the best possible care of myself. I wear a lot of hats and there are people depending upon me to be present and healthy and a vibrant part of their lives. I told him that he too wears many hats and has people depending upon him as well. Then I finished my declaration and I stopped prodding. I resigned myself into accepting his choice. It was soon after I ceased my plea, he actually made the decision to go all in and he hasn’t look back. Read about our journey to ditch our conventional diet and switch to the WFPB way of life.
What changed?
I didn’t know then what I’ve recently learned from Dr. Douglas Lisle author of the Pleasure Trap . Dr. Lisle offers a way to approach the topic of dealing with family and friends who are not interested in making the switch.
What to Say
Recently Forks Over Knives produced a webinar “Why do We Love the Food that Makes Us Sick?” It featured Dr. Lisle who offered suggestions. He shared what to say when attempting to sway the opinions of others towards adopting the plant-based lifestyle.
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You might say something like “these are some good ideas (about the plant-based lifestyle) but I’m not sure these guys are right about everything. But it’s interesting.”
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Be tentative and not be forceful.
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The attitude should be “maybe it will help, maybe it won’t, it’s interesting though. We think there’s something to it. Not sure these guys are right about everything, but it might be worth a try.”
Reasons for Defensiveness
Dr. Lisle reports there’s a reason why you would want to have the aforementioned attitude. It’s because if you have any other attitude they’re going to get very defensive. They’re going to push against you.
Curb the tendency to push them. Dr. Lisle says that “your instincts are going to be telling you to go straight forward and try to be as forceful and vehement as possible to try and convince them. This is natural but it’s also a mistake.”
What if it’s too late?
What happens if, (like me) you’ve already pushed? If your loved one is already defensive? Dr. Lisle suggests saying “you know I think these are good ideas. But I’m not sure they’re right for everybody or they’ve got everything right but I think there’s something to it.”
“If you take this tactic, they are much more likely to come your direction by 15-20 percent.” I was surprised to hear that this tactic has rather low odds of working. Dr. Lisle says that this is your best chance for success. I reflected on this and decided that it’s true. In my own experience, it was when I stopped prodding that my husband made up his mind to make the switch.
I felt less like a two headed giant when I heard Dr. Lisle say that most people feel a sense of urgency about this. Most of us only know “one dial on the machine.” Which is if they appear not to be taking action that we have to “dial up the volume” louder which is a mistake. I felt like Dr. Lisle was describing me to a tee. Instead of “turning up the volume we should go quieter so that they will lean towards you and strain to hear you.”
When You Push, It’s Almost Always Counter Productive
We’re reminded to “walk it back, be tentative, signal humility and signal curiosity about this. We can share some helpfulness but not anything strong.” When I dialed back my message to my husband I saw a difference. When I shared that it was his decision. I told him that I didn’t yet know first hand if this way of eating would make a difference. I shared that I’d still be moving forward with or without him, and that was a game changer.
Social Dynamics
Most often the person trying to convince their loved ones to make the switch are also attempting to change their own eating habits at the same time. Often they too are struggling. They’re certain that making the switch is the way to go, but are struggling to do so. Dr. Lisle says that this makes it interesting. A social dynamic is set up as a result. That’s when the person who is certain that the switch is a good thing yet is still struggling themselves. It sets up an interesting dynamic because they take this to people who are not completely convinced, or motivated. This is when the pushing can occur.
Tips to Remember
Dr. Lisle reminds us of the following when trying to sway loved ones to switch to the plant-based lifestyle:
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Be pleasantly excited about the possibility but not so certain and not so confident because it will make it less costly for them to follow you.
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This gives them the chance to “nibble at it” and say this doesn’t work for me and then not have some cost of you saying what a terrible decision, what a fool you are since you’re silly for not doing what I say.
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This is difficult-we need to be gentle and encourage people, slowly and tentatively.
After learning from Dr. Lisle about how to go about convincing someone to make the switch I recognize how I “beat the odds.” I had no idea that by stopping the prodding of my husband to make the switch that I actually increased the odds of him making the switch.
I also see evidence of just how long the odds are. Even though I’ve “gone quieter” with most of my friends and other family members as Dr. Lisle suggests, I haven’t seen them change their eating habits. I still long for them (and everyone) to make the switch because it makes sense for our bodies.
If You Want Someone’s Attention, Whisper
It increases the opportunity to live a healthy life and age well. I’ve found that “shouting it to the rooftops” isn’t an effective way to promote the change. When I “shout it out” it’s proven to be something that promotes a sense of discord as opposed to promoting change. I’ve found that my friends and family have accepted that I’ll never go back to the standard diet. They now support me in my journey. They’ll also eat a plant-based meal as a guest in our home. And I’ve noticed that they are very complimentary about the food. It’s genuine they aren’t just being polite!
So while you may want to change the minds and habits of those closest to you, it’s wise to step back and do so in a more tentative and less forceful way. It seems it’s like the Andrew Stanton quote saying “if you want someone’s attention, whisper.”
Do yourself and your loved one’s a favor. Whisper the message of the benefits of a whole food, plant-based lifestyle. It seems that’s your BEST chance that you’ll make a difference. Isn’t that what you want?